An Introduction to Michael Burt
THROUGH THE KINDNESS of a very dear lady with snow-white hair I became acquainted with Michael Burt. I might have called her an old lady, but Michelangelo says one shouldn’t on the score that innocence never grows old. This nice lady received from a priest friend of hers in Ireland one of Michael Burt's pamphlets. Pamphlet is too big a name for it. It is no more than a single sheet folded. It bears no publisher’s inscription, no indication of having originated in a book or a magazine; it carries no copyright and makes no claims to rights reserved. It is simply called: More Litterae Scriptae by Michael Burt, presumably one of many little literary delectables distributed by the kind author for the amusement of his friends.
It is possible to know the quality of a splendid bird by one feather dropped from its plumage. It is this way with Michael Burt. One senses in his slightest performance the abundance of wit and idea at his command. For Michael Burt is a consumate artist. Working in the smallest possible medium he achieves imperishable results. What novelist could ever fix so sharply the complete character of Georgetta Smugge in two letters; or account for the whole of Chaplain O’Shaughnessy in a telegram? The juxtaposition of these two, Lady Smugge and Father O'Shaughnessy, is a masterpiece of dramatic device bringing to the fore the full force of his stolid, adamantine charity, and her dazzling, lovable asininity. Not only that, but we are given a perfect etching of the character of the overwhelming A. Karpett-Knight (Major). A Vicar General and an indefinite Stacey Smugge occur in the proper proportions. Even Sir Ephraim and the Pope play effective roles in the piece, the one in the form of “a fez” and the other in the form of “an ear.”
But I shall not impede Michael Burt's Sketch with any more preamble. Other than to say that I hope my introduction of him to an American audience will be at least remotely the cause of his being brought into the full light of the fame which he deserves, possibly even of being undisguised of a pseudonymity. Here's Michael Burt—and you're going to enjoy him!
I.
Sir Ephraim and Lady Smugge
request the pleasure of the Company of
The Reverend Seamus O’Shaughnessy
at Dinner on Friday, the 24th December, at 7:30
Fancy Dress.
| Government House Chutnipur 12th December | R. S. V. P. to The Private Secretary to H.E. the Governor |
II.
The Reverend Seamus O’Shaughnessy is greatly honoured by the kind invitation of His Excellency the Governor and Lady Smugge to dinner on Friday, the 24th December, and deeply regrets that he is unable to accept.
| The Presbytery Chutnipur | 13th December |
III.
| Private | Government House Chutnipur 14th December |
Dear Father O’Shaughnessy,
I hope you will forgive the liberty I take in writing to you, but I feel it only right to point out that you have taken a somewhat unprecedented step in declining their Excellencies’ invitation to dinner on the 24th, without giving any kind of reason. Perhaps you will allow one who is presumably better acquainted than yourself with Lady Smugge to suggest that, if through some totally unavoidable engagement you are really unable to attend, you might perhaps care to amplify your refusal accordingly, before I submit it to her Excellency. Believe me,
Sincerely yours,
A. Karpett-Knight (Major)
Private Secretary
IV.
The Reverend Seamus O’Shaughnessy is greatly honoured by the kind invitation of His Excellency the Governor and Lady Smugge to dinner on Friday, the 24th December, and very deeply regrets that he is unable to accept, owing to the occurrence of Christmas Eve on that date.
| The Presbytery | 15th December |
V
| Private | Government House Chutnipur 16th December |
My dear Father O’Shaughnessy,
I am so sorry to have to trouble you again, but your amended refusal of their Excellencies’ invitation is (si j’ose m’exprimer ainsi) even more opaque than the original. I should have thought it clear that their Excellencies had chosen the 24th for their dinner-party because it was Christmas Eve, whereas your letter would seem to imply that this is an impediment. With the utmost deference I would seriously urge you to vouchsafe just a little more information before I show your letter to Lady Smugge, whose feelings, I am sure, you have no desire to wound. I do hope that you will accept this friendly hint in the spirit in which it is offered.
With all good wishes,
Yours very sincerely,
A. Karpett-Knight (Major)
Private Secretary
VI.
The Presbytery
Chutnipur
17th December
Dear Major Karpett-Knight,
I am truly sorry to be causing you all this anxiety. I certainly have no wish to offend Lady Smugge, but I assure you that it is quite impossible for me to accept her kind invitation. In the first place Christmas Eve (or the Vigil of the Nativity, as we call it) is a day of fasting and abstinence, and I have no desire to be either literally or metaphorically, a skeleton at the feast. Then again, but for a brief interval for a hasty collation, I shall be in the confessional from 4 p.m. till nearly midnight ; and lastly, I have to sing the Midnight Mass.
Now that I have placed you in possession of the facts I feel sure you will agree that I am quite unable to dine out that evening, and that you will be able to make satisfactory excuses on my behalf to Lady Smugge.
Thanking you for all the trouble you have taken,
I remain,
Yours very sincerely,
Seamus O’Shaughnessy
Catholic Chaplain
VII.
Government House
18th December
Dear Father O'Shaughnessy,
Major Karpett-Knight has shown me your letters, and I am writing at once to see if 1 cannot persuade you to change your mind. We are not Roman Catholics, of course, but we are not at all bigoted, and we are always ready to make allowances for other peoples’ scruples. Nevertheless I am sure it cannot be right for you to fast at Xmastide—surely it is the traditional season for feasting and merrymaking?—but in any case my husband has great influence at the Vatican (his nephew, Stacey Smugge, of whom you have doubtless heard—his mother was one of the Shropshire Watt-Prices, you know, not the Berkshire branch, who are really Price-Watts—is Third Secretary to our Embassy in Rome and therefore has the Ear of the Pope, though he is not himself an R.C,, of course—Stacey, I mean, not the Pope) and I am sure that in the event of any unpleasantness he could make it quite all right for you.
Now, do come, will you not? We shall be so glad to have you with us, for I always say R.C.’s are so broadminded and between ourselves our dear Canon Blenkins is a bit of a Wet Blanket and it would be so nice to have you to cheer him up.
Never mind about fancy dress if you haven't any—your biretta would do Splendidly. My husband never wears anything but a fez and he looks just like a Turk—truly Oriental—which is so nice as it matches my Sultana Costume—so you will come, won’t you?
Very cordially Yours,
Georgetta Smugge
P.S. —Surely you can get someone else to take your evening service or else have it after tea, as dear Canon Blenkins is doing. In any case, surely midnight is a most inconvenient and unconventional hour to choose, but I am sure you will change this to please me. Thanks so much.
VIII.
The Presbytery
Chutnipur
19th December
Dear Lady Smugge,
It was really extremely good of you to write me such a charming letter, and I am sincerely sorry to be unable to accept your kind invitation. Unfortunately it would be impossible for me, without embarking upon a detailed dissertation on highly technical and controversial subjects, to explain exactly why I must appear to be so discourteous, but I beg you to accept my assurance that, in any case, such matters are not left to my personal discretion, but are strictly controlled by Canon Law.
Once again, please believe that I am deeply sensible of both the honour and the kindness you have done me, and am truly sorry that circumstances do not permit me to avail myself of them.
With kind regards to Sir Ephraim and yourself,
I am, dear Lady Smugge,
Yours sincerely,
Seamus O’Shaughnessy
IX.
(Telegram)
Father O'Shaughnessy, Chutnipur.
Urgent and confidential; who or what is georgetta smugge, wire received addressed Very Reverend Canon Law requesting you to be dispensed fasting abstinence confessions Midnight Mass to attend fancy-dress revels; bishop deeply moved, requests immediate explanation and guidance for reply.
X.
(Telegram)
Vicar-General, Bishop’s House, Mangopur.
Corporal work of mercy, if you snub smugge hip and thigh; governor’s wife, bane of life, well-meaning heretic claiming vicarious tenure pope’s ear; please assure his lordship have neither desire nor intention attend her carousals; grateful if you emphatically refuse dispensation in name of canon law.
O’Shaughnessy
XI.
(Telegram)
Smugge, Chutnipur.
Utterly impossible; canon law adamantine.
Vicar-General
XII.
Government House
22nd December
Dear Father O’Shaugnessy,
It will, I am sure, be a matter of grief to you to know that I have been deeply wounded and set at naught by the contumely and opprobrium meted out to me by your odious Canon Law, to whom I naturally wired for some relaxation of the narrow and bigoted regimen to which you appear to be subjected, and who has not even had the courtesy to reply himself but has deputed some minion to answer my telegram—who or what is a “general vicar,” pray? However, this is to assure you, dear Father, that I shall leave no stone unturned to have this nauseating oppression brought to the Pope’s ear. Stacey Smugge, Sir Ephraim’s nephew, has always spoken most highly of the Pope’s broad-mindedness, and I am confident that he will not allow this narrow and fanatical Canon to ride roughshod over my feelings like a juggernaut. Meanwhile, dear Father O’Shaughnessy, you may rest assured that I have yet another arrow in my quiver, and that even if we are to be bereft of your company at our little party Friday night, I am taking steps to ensure that you shall at least have a nourishing meal before your evening service, instead of the dried lentils on which absurd Law person doubtless expects you to subsist.
Wishing you a Right Hearty Yule-tide, and a Bright New Year.
Most sympathetically yours,
Georgetta Smugge
This item 12753 digitally provided courtesy of CatholicCulture.org
